The female black widow kills the male right after sex instead of drawing it out over decades while alienating his family and friends.

I just switched my GPS to the Asian voice and it told me to cut off three cars and crash into a tree.

I like to put 2 glow sticks in my mouth at night and pretend I'm the frikkin coolest walrus you've ever seen.

I don't want to ruin this guy's schtick with the cardboard sign he made, but we all pretty much work for food.

If you love something let it go. If it comes back it's just as stupid as you were for letting it go. You idiots were made for each other.

Those bumpy reflectors that separate lanes on the road really come in handy now that I have a twitter account.

Telling my kids I could read was a huge mistake.

Most people would stop tweeting if they got as few stars as me but I have a high tolerance for rejection. Thanks every girl from high school

I just got yelled at for flushing the toilet too loud. So this is what love is.

My gym membership pays for itself in toilet paper savings alone.

I wouldn't hit a guy with glasses because he might turn out to be Superman and then I'm screwed.

The amount of goldfish crackers that fall out every time I open my car door technically qualify it as a Pepperidge Farm delivery truck.

I could punch someone in the face for the way we spell fuchsia.

Friends don't let friends get married.

I'm your knight in shining armor, assuming that boxer shorts and a stained wife beater are considered armor and knights can be fat.

A man with his hand raised for a high five is in no position to successfully block a punch.

I've been busy praying god will help me with my filthy ass language.

I'm really great at showing women how good they had it with their ex.

F*** YOU, PEOPLE WHO GET RETWEETED A LOT!

I'm at my most masculine when I'm drinking a protein shake out of my daughter's Little Mermaid cup.