List of things I’ve accomplished today:

1. Accomplishments List

Chickens don’t lay eggs. People with chickens lay eggs. #NRA

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

North Korea changes its Facebook relationship status with the South Korea from "It's Complicated" to "War."

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

I don't need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.

Fox announces third season renewal of “So You Think You Can Repeal Obamacare.”

WE ARE ALL CHILDREN OF THE SAME GOD HE JUST LOVES WOMEN 30% LESS.

The decline of Western Civilization can happen rapidly. It took PowerPoint only a decade to destroy 2500 years of Public Speaking knowledge.

"Do I need a key card to get out of the building too?" - No sir, you just need to be smarter than the door.

I just invented a new drink with 12 oz of Root Beer, 6 oz of Gin and 1 oz Dark Chocolate Bailey's.
It’s called “Time for the Liquor Store.”

I’m too busy spending my time hating individuals to ever hate a group of people for their sexual preferences.

Was helping the Wife unload groceries and she said those 9 magical words, “get out of my way, you’re doing it wrong.”

I don’t understand why they call them men’s dress shoes because they don’t go with any of my dresses.

RNC Drinking Game:
1. Hear “Job Creator,” take a shot.
2. Get drunk.
3. Throw remote at TV.
4. Buy replacement TV.
5. Economy stimulated.

Can you show me on this Bill of Rights where the Bible touched you?

The cat wants something and won't leave me alone. I've narrowed it down to one of two things: another beer, or my soul

Coke and a wiener only $199! Either we are missing a decimal or it is a whole new type of service station.

Congress has scheduled 109 workdays in 2012 which means we’ll be paying them each $1596 a day to bicker and do nothing.

Twitter: Where you can fake your avatar, but you can't fake your wit, intelligence or soul.