Chickens don’t lay eggs. People with chickens lay eggs. #NRA

North Korea changes its Facebook relationship status with the South Korea from "It's Complicated" to "War."

Fox announces third season renewal of “So You Think You Can Repeal Obamacare.”

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

WE ARE ALL CHILDREN OF THE SAME GOD HE JUST LOVES WOMEN 30% LESS.

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

RNC Drinking Game:
1. Hear “Job Creator,” take a shot.
2. Get drunk.
3. Throw remote at TV.
4. Buy replacement TV.
5. Economy stimulated.

Congress has scheduled 109 workdays in 2012 which means we’ll be paying them each $1596 a day to bicker and do nothing.

The decline of Western Civilization can happen rapidly. It took PowerPoint only a decade to destroy 2500 years of Public Speaking knowledge.

"Yes, I told Michele Bachman not to seek reelection, because even I have grown weary of her bullshit." - God

1. Get really good at your job.
2. Become the organization’s “go to person.”
3. Be too busy to be good at your job anymore.

In hindsight, maybe an 800 slide PowerPoint presentation wasn’t the most effective way to train the replacement referees.” - Roger Goodell

I don't need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.

More people die of boredom during PowerPoint presentations each year than are strangled to death by their pajamas.

List of things I’ve accomplished today:

1. Accomplishments List

God loves us all.*


*Some restrictions apply. See religion for details. Offer not valid in AK, HI, or any of those gay marriage states.

The passage of the marijuana amendment in Colorado is just a gateway drug to other lawmaking.

For 99.9% of history we survived without electronic communication, so how urgent is your email really? Can it kill a wooly mammoth for food?

Every time I see a rich guy on the street, I hand him a couple bucks just so I’m prepared if our tax policies change in November.

"Mommy, what's a butterfly?" "When a girl loves many boys in a short time during college, she gets a tattoo reminder for her future husband"