"Here I pope again on my own..." -Whitesmoke

Only time I like my hair pulled is when [REDACTED. Twitter After Dark ends at 6am]

Damn, Kristen Stewart's voice is like a 13 year old having to read a paragraph of her science manual in front of the class.

Kickstarter to install a zipline from my office to my apartment.

Gonna burn my OKCupid account and buy a husband. Fuck this mess.

Cat: (muffled) maarow? ma moow? ra moww?
[audible thunk of toy on floor]
Me: Good boy!

I'VE BEEN BESTOWED WITH GIFTS OF FAKE DEAD ANIMALS.

Just described "Today has just been a Rube Goldberg machine of fuckery." Which is kinda spot on.

Budweiser: made from the tears of middle-aged women crying to "Landslide"

Twitter is a just a forever AVClub comment thread. <3 I love you guys.

Trivial man, trivial man. Trivial man hates Apropos Man. They have a fight, nobody cares. Trivial Man.

Lou Bega in the back of his deli, Lou Bagels, crying into batter, "at least I have this now"

Ernie can sing some Tom Waits, y'all. <3

@ernielies @removeyourpants @irish_dinosaur every time I see REMOVEYOURPANTS's twitter name I start to then remember I'm not wearing any

Please baby Jesus. Please Elder Gods. Please Gaia, Xenu, Zeus, PSY, Olivia Newton-John, Please Flying Spaghetti Monster... #Obama

"Gosh, Facy, your life is SO EXCITING! How do you manage to keep it all together?" "Opium, dahling"

Him: I can't find my dressy belt
Me: Where did you last shoot up/autoerotic asphyxiate?

Y'all. I am a sick, sick individual.

Future husband: do not ever buy me a Pandora charm bracelet.

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII ::BIG BREATH:: IIIIIT

@sarccastro @limeadeyouth @sallysmash found my liquid eyeliner. pic.twitter.com/TaduRnMYMc

@mm_young @sallysmash send her back a pic text of you with a handful of black cherry jello with the caption "Huh?"