Just once, I want to jump off of an overpass onto a speeding tractor-trailer below.

I worry about losing my data if I shake my laptop around too much. Because my laptop is an Etch-A-Sketch.

just farted and it sounded like someone dropping a bucket of frozen fish into a tub of rice pudding.

I keep all of my old friend's phone numbers in my phone so I know not to answer when douchebags call.

Picked up a Highlights at the drs office and the hidden object page is already done ... IN PEN. Fuck these kids.

My girlfriend is watching girls softball on ESPN. These stereotypes don't write themselves.

"If I had my own martial art, it'd be called tongue-fu."

Have to get dressed & pick my girlfriend up from work because she hates it when I show up naked and rub my breasts on her coworkers cars.

'My boobs are sweaty, we need to go.' - things I say

Nutella: you could prolly smear this stuff on a dog turd & I'd eat it.

It's been so long since I had Starbucks that my body is rejecting it violently from my butt.

I'll leave you with this: things that you take or demand from other people are never really yours. Build a life with your own two hands.

What's plural for Lexus? Lexuses? Lexi? Anyway, I drive a Ford Focus.

Just used my vagina to sharpen a pencil. Terrified?

Every biologist was once just a curious kid that wanted to poke gross stuff with a stick.

compulsively checking favstar to see if I'm popular yet.

I love this Sweet Chili sauce so much, I wanna take it out behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

What did the Children of the Corn do when it was a bean year?

Fool me once, Hot Pocket, shane on you. Fool me tw- OW OW HOT HOT HOT!!!

Do you wear your visor upside down to catch all of the panties that are thrown at you? No? Oh, so then you're just a douchebag?