I wonder if the weird guy I work with thinks I'm the weird guy he works with.

I've been married long enough to know that the wife asking "Do you want to do it?", either means the dishes or a diaper.

Cinco de Mayo is just St. Patrick's day with a tan.

I don't protect my tweets. They're on their own, like little birds pushed from the nest. Fly you stupid bastards...FLY!!!

Wouldn't it be ironic if your moms name was Mrs. Lemons and she gave you life?

People are so stupid, I saw a guy recycling and it's not even earth day anymore.

When Sarah Jessica Parker dies, will people stop with the jokes or will they just keep beating her?

Twitter is like a haunted house...you walk around talking to yourself and then shit your pants if anyone actually responds.

I guess PMS doesn't stand for "Please Make Sandwiches"...what's the best way to get mayo off a wall?

Sitting here thinking of all the things I could be doing is exhausting.

Wife scolded 13 for yelling at 8 who was pushing 2. The 4 of them made me realize this could have been avoided with a 3 pack of condoms.

Seriously Twitter...you've made it, maybe it's time to stop running this thing off of a flash drive.

Make me laugh...I'll follow you.

Make me cry....I'll follow you.

Make me a sandwich...I'll move in.

Cinco de Mayo just changed it's name to Chad Johnson.

Pulling the 2-year old out of the toy store kicking and screaming reminds me of the last time I left the strip club.

I blame shampoo companies for OCD...lather, rinse, repeat, lather, rinse, repeat...there's no fucking end to it!!!

I love when women say they don't swallow, but seem to have no trouble sucking down free drinks!

Don't follow me cause you think I'm funny, follow me cause it's the only time you get to see your mom.

There's God fearing people and then there's spider fearing people. Wonder if God's ever been hit with a newspaper?

Google Chrome? Yeah, like I need one more shiny thing to distract me.