@therealroseanne Crazy world... we've got Troy Davis, likely innocent being executed... but Casey Anthony walks free? Injustice!!

I hate when I'm drinking beer, then I have to stop drinking beer because I run out of beer.

Toothpaste is just flavoured lube for toothbrushes.

I wish we males could agree on only ONE type of handshake to do so I can stop being taken by surprise.

Glenn Quinn died 10 years ago today. Still can't believe it— what an amazing actor he was. @therealroseanne

Your 75,000th tweet tells me that you've been unemployed for roughly 15½ months.

R.I.P. — Karlis Skrastins, Stefan Liv, Pavol Demitra, Ruslan Salei #Lokomotiv hockey team 07 SEP 2011 http://t.co/9Ujre2vv @nhl @dallasstars

@michaelblackson Shoutout to the moms who sold their foodstamps this week to get money to pay the babysitter they met on Craigslist.

Sometimes you're right. pic.twitter.com/S0BsqvclbH

I'd rather have cyanide in my water supply than watch a single episode of Jersey Shore.

When people write 'defiantly' instead of definitely, I just want to cry.

If you wear yoga pants to your child's parent-teacher conference, you're a ho'

I don't broadcast my Twitter all over Facebook... because then, people from Facebook might actually create a Twitter. Wouldn't want that.

Just for the record, Jordan Rudess's album "Christmas Sky" is one of the greatest collection of holiday piano renditions ever. @jcrudess

If a Michael Jackson song starts, I have to listen to it all the way through. He is the artist that just can't be interrupted.

Daaaaaamn girl, are you a smoke detector?

Because you're really loud, annoying, and won't seem to shut the fuck up.

Wow, even the ugliest people from high school are now married with kids, but I'm eating lunch alone tweeting to people I've never met. Cool.

When people take too long to text me back, I'm going to start sending a random message that says "bye". I think it'll work.

You don't want your children playing Call of Duty in lobby with me. They'll learn a brand new word every minute.

700 new Instagram followers in the last 3 days. My name is spreading like herpes in an Applebee's bathroom.