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Your 75,000th tweet tells me that you've been unemployed for roughly 15½ months.
I wish we males could agree on only ONE type of handshake to do so I can stop being taken by surprise.
I hate when I'm drinking beer, then I have to stop drinking beer because I run out of beer.
Toothpaste is just flavoured lube for toothbrushes.
If you drive a police-style car but you're not a cop, I hope your wheel falls off on the highway.
Come on Americans, you can't let your kid walk around with 4 chins like it's perfectly fine
Daaaaaamn girl, are you a smoke detector?
Because you're really loud, annoying, and won't seem to shut the fuck up.
I'd rather have cyanide in my water supply than watch a single episode of Jersey Shore.
‡ Requiescat In Pace — Chase Evans · March 11, 2014 ‡ Instagram|Snapchat: ForbidInjustice