Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon. As good as I am, the bird is going to shit on the board & strut around like it won.

My ex was an absolute treasure.




By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.

Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

90% of women don't like men in pink shirts, which is ironic since 90% of men in pink shirts just don't like women.

The fact that this bag of nuts is required to have a warning on it that says "May Contain Nuts" made me lose my remaining faith in humanity.

What is this empty shit in my whiskey glass?!?!

A hug is just a strangle you haven't finished...yet.

Homophobia is not a fear. You are not scared. You are just an intolerant asshole.

When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.

Anyone who says "every vote counts", obviously has never heard of the Electoral College.

What is another word for thesaurus?

I am not an alcoholic, I just have a ton of reasons to celebrate with a drink.

It’s ok if you disagree with me.


I mean, it’s not like I can force you to be right.

Blow me like an old Nintendo cartridge.

My turn-ons include tattoos, pushup bras, and intelligence.



First and second turn-ons are optional, the third is not.

Now that I have broken 1k followers, I would like to take a moment to talk to you all about Jesus...

Anyone remember when wheelchairs were only for disabled people and not fat motherfuckers at Walmart?

Procrasturbating: The act of masturbating when there are a number of more important things you should be doing.

I'm sure if you wanted to give me a drug test, I could identify any drugs you put in front of me.