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Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon. As good as I am, the bird is going to shit on the board & strut around like it won.
My ex was an absolute treasure.
By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.
Stupidity is dangerous, and thanks to social media we have managed to weaponize it.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
What real sex sounds like:
"Get off my hair!"
"Ow..ow ow. Leg cramp!"
"Okay, switch, I'm tired."
"Hold on, I have to use the bathroom, BRB."
A hug is just a strangle you haven't finished...yet.
What is this empty shit in my whiskey glass?!?!
When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.
90% of women don't like men in pink shirts, which is ironic since 90% of men in pink shirts just don't like women.
Homophobia is not a fear. You are not scared. You are just an intolerant asshole.
The fact that this bag of nuts is required to have a warning on it that says "May Contain Nuts" made me lose my remaining faith in humanity.
It’s ok if you disagree with me.
I mean, it’s not like I can force you to be right.
Anyone remember when wheelchairs were only for disabled people and not fat motherfuckers at Walmart?
Blow me like an old Nintendo cartridge.
Anyone who says "every vote counts", obviously has never heard of the Electoral College.
I am not an alcoholic, I just have a ton of reasons to celebrate with a drink.
What is another word for thesaurus?
Now that I have broken 1k followers, I would like to take a moment to talk to you all about Jesus...
My turn-ons include tattoos, pushup bras, and intelligence.
First and second turn-ons are optional, the third is not.
Procrasturbating: The act of masturbating when there are a number of more important things you should be doing.
Zagat rated as one of Americas Top Assholes in 1980- Present. On IG under the same name.