Dear Mother Dugger, It's a vagina...Not a clown car. Enough with the kids.

1st testicular cup was used in Hockey in 1874 & 1st helmet was used in 1974. Took 100 years for men to realize the brain is also important

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling corn that sometimes it needs to lay the fuck down.

When my son was little I would sing him to sleep. I believe he may have went to sleep in self defense.

How to tell you've had a long day: You answer your cell with the company's name and you tell your client "i love you" when hanging up.

My sis said her and hubby played UNO lastnight. If that's what they call it, I was playing solitare.

it had to be a woman that invented the "cup" to protect the only thing a man is good for.

The great thing about living in a small town is even if you don't know what you're doing someone else always does.

There is a banana in the work bathroom trash can. Who the hell eats bananas while on the toliet? eww *GASP* what if they're not eating it...

OH NO!!! My DVR just caught up with real time tv! What are these 30 second clips? They're terrible. ugh Ha, that one was funny.

Dear eye doctor, The round things you should be looking at are my eyeballs, not my boobies.

I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Mine was a spork from KFC.

Don't interupt me when I'm ignoring you. It's impolite, bitch.

I'm pretty sure everyone around me ate an extra large bowl of stupid this morning.

Look, I got you a birthday present. It's a comment on Facebook.

Is your affection for tiny, skinny bitches compensating for a teeny tiny pecker? aww, bless your heart

I haven't been this frustrated since I found out the mall Santa was just a helper. How can I trust him to tell the real one I want a pony?

So, made it to 5 without commiting murder. However, there is still the commute home.

When I die & go where ever I'm supposed to go, I'm not going to wish I had lost that extra 20lbs, I'm going to wish I'd ate another burger.

In a text earlier-Monday (M), Tuesday (T) the rest of the week is WTF... seriously, who has the time to figure this out. Nevermind...