Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
I rearranged the living room around my phone charger. Dedication.
I'm going to take everything I read on here literally. Because you all seem trustworthy. Hi friends.
I'll park next to a speed bump just to watch boobs bounce.
If you want a body like a 20yr old you gotta eat like a 20yr old. *Dips Doritos into Mt.Dew*
I'll check your TL before I check mine.
Proper stalker etiquette.
Wife: you should tweet a pic of dinner.
Me: that's not what twitter is for
W: well, maybe I'll start an account
M: I'll post a pic.
I'm just a man. Sitting in a truck. Playing on my phone. Wearing control top panty hose. Still just a man.
My first bike had a banana seat.
That's how my autobiography will start.
Sorry! I may have sent some of you a Dick pic by accident. DM me if you didn't get one.
Counting the amount of empty beer bottles laying around, I'm going to say it's Thursday and I'm 4 days late for work.
*Phone rings. Its Life.
Casually Swypes decline.
"Not today" I whisper.
I'm gone for 2 hours and look at my TL! You, put your pants back on! You over there, get that out of your mouth! What's burning!?!
"Its BS that my TC is spending the weekend with her boyfriend"
-Me, to my wife.
Farts in Walmart. Nobody notices.
Me: What's for dinner?
Wife: Black Eyed Peas.
M: Will I Am hungry.
M: You don't get it do you?
Your mid life crisis isn't going to tweet itself.
Typo is my second language.
Another 3 months of eating corndogs and I'll have enough sticks to build a futon.
I drew tiny lips on my thumb so it can kiss your avi while scrolling your timeline.
Sometimes I'll star your tweet because I like it. Sometimes I'll star your tweet just to let you know i'm thinking about you.