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The two places I come up with my best material are the shower and while driving. It must have something to do with being naked.
"Eating paste."-Me, if Twitter existed 8 years ago
I'm starting to think these strippers are only pretending to like me for my money.
Good news everyone! I just drank my 1000th last beer ever!
First rule of Girl Fight Club: Tell fucking everyone!
You mean I can dethrone a ruthless African dictator just by pressing like?
I'm so awesome. I could break the first rule of Fight Club WITHOUT breaking the second rule.
I'm going to hire two private investigators to follow each other.
Being as it's Star Wars day it should be pointed out that I have the most Jedi looking avi.
By the time you read this tweet, it will be later.
I diced some onions and cracked up the whole time. I can't do anything right.
Ten more followers and I'll hit 400, graduating me from nobody to virtual nobody.
Something about a stripper getting her life together makes me sad.
I don't know how I'm going to die, but I can almost guarantee it will directly relate to me being an idiot.
"1 down, 98 to go."- Jay-Z after getting that leaky faucet fixed.
Scientology: Because if you're going to be wrong, you might as well be REALLY wrong.
My god, what a beautiful day. It think I'll go outside to masturbate.
Who wants to help with my new project - Twitter: The Musical.
I apologize for nothing!! Except for that guy I ran over. Sorry I didn't stop but I don't have insurance. Or a license. And I was drunk.
I don't think I have the emotional strength for another Toy Story.