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The two places I come up with my best material are the shower and while driving. It must have something to do with being naked.
Scientology: Because if you're going to be wrong, you might as well be REALLY wrong.
I'm going to hire two private investigators to follow each other.
First rule of Girl Fight Club: Tell fucking everyone!
You mean I can dethrone a ruthless African dictator just by pressing like?
I'm so awesome. I could break the first rule of Fight Club WITHOUT breaking the second rule.
I don't think I have the emotional strength for another Toy Story.
"Eating paste."-Me, if Twitter existed 8 years ago
Dear God, what have we done!?!?
-creators of Twitter
I diced some onions and cracked up the whole time. I can't do anything right.
I'm starting to think these strippers are only pretending to like me for my money.
Ten more followers and I'll hit 400, graduating me from nobody to virtual nobody.
Is it just me, or do terrible life decision seem more vivid at 1:30 in the morning.
My Internet was down this morning. I had to watch porn on a DVD like a goddamn caveman.
"1 down, 98 to go."- Jay-Z after getting that leaky faucet fixed.
I sometimes punch people for being happy.
Good news everyone! I just drank my 1000th last beer ever!
I've found the secret to happiness. It's money.
I love you guys. And that's not just the alcohol talking. It's also the drugs.
I could listen to Morgan Freeman talk about his period.