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The two places I come up with my best material are the shower and while driving. It must have something to do with being naked.
Scientology: Because if you're going to be wrong, you might as well be REALLY wrong.
I'm going to hire two private investigators to follow each other.
First rule of Girl Fight Club: Tell fucking everyone!
You mean I can dethrone a ruthless African dictator just by pressing like?
I don't think I have the emotional strength for another Toy Story.
I'm so awesome. I could break the first rule of Fight Club WITHOUT breaking the second rule.
"Eating paste."-Me, if Twitter existed 8 years ago
Dear God, what have we done!?!?
-creators of Twitter
I diced some onions and cracked up the whole time. I can't do anything right.
Ten more followers and I'll hit 400, graduating me from nobody to virtual nobody.
My Internet was down this morning. I had to watch porn on a DVD like a goddamn caveman.
"1 down, 98 to go."- Jay-Z after getting that leaky faucet fixed.
I'm starting to think these strippers are only pretending to like me for my money.
I sometimes punch people for being happy.
Good news everyone! I just drank my 1000th last beer ever!
I've found the secret to happiness. It's money.
I could listen to Morgan Freeman talk about his period.
Lady Gaga just called me weird.
The people in this porno are speaking Russian so now I have no idea what's going on.