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The two places I come up with my best material are the shower and while driving. It must have something to do with being naked.
I'm going to hire two private investigators to follow each other.
Scientology: Because if you're going to be wrong, you might as well be REALLY wrong.
First rule of Girl Fight Club: Tell fucking everyone!
Our break up sex is going to be amazing.
-Me on a first date
You mean I can dethrone a ruthless African dictator just by pressing like?
I'm so awesome. I could break the first rule of Fight Club WITHOUT breaking the second rule.
I don't think I have the emotional strength for another Toy Story.
"Eating paste."-Me, if Twitter existed 8 years ago
Good news everyone! I just drank my 1000th last beer ever!
I hope you all get dumped tomorrow.
Dear God, what have we done!?!?
-creators of Twitter
I diced some onions and cracked up the whole time. I can't do anything right.
I'm starting to think these strippers are only pretending to like me for my money.
Ten more followers and I'll hit 400, graduating me from nobody to virtual nobody.
When does the dying alone happen? Getting kinda restless over here.
Is it just me, or do terrible life decision seem more vivid at 1:30 in the morning.
My Internet was down this morning. I had to watch porn on a DVD like a goddamn caveman.
"1 down, 98 to go."- Jay-Z after getting that leaky faucet fixed.
I sometimes punch people for being happy.
I feel ways about things.
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