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@Freakdad's most faved Tweets...
Freakdad
Kindergarten class reunion? No way, man. Ive put on like, a hundred and fifty pounds since then.
@Freakdad
Freakdad
The first rule of Spite Club is:

Fuck you, your rules are stupid.
@Freakdad
Freakdad
When does CPR become necrophilia?
@Freakdad
Freakdad
You know why women fake orgasms? Because they think we care.
@Freakdad
Freakdad
Guy asked me if I was working hard or hardly working. I punched him in the chest and asked if He was breathing hard or hardly breathing.
@Freakdad
Freakdad
I've got duct, scotch, and electrical. I'm making a mix tape.
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Freakdad
You dont want whatever wishes the diaper genie offers.
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Freakdad
I didn't like Facebook the last time I was on it fifteen years ago when it was called high school and I don't much care for it now.
@Freakdad
Freakdad
Just got winded walking and talking on the phone and I realize, had I been chewing gum, I could be dead right now.
@Freakdad
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Freakdad
My mouth is full of:
A.Bacon
B.Mayonaise
C.Cheese Doodles

If you guessed all 3,you're probably this skinny bitch glaring at me in disgust.
@Freakdad
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Freakdad
Sleep is the first thing I think about when I wake up.
@Freakdad
Freakdad
I'm not gonna say how I know, but hand sanitizer is not ideal for masturbating with.
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Freakdad
The race was over. I had finished the whole bag of cheetos in 8 min flat. Except,I'm alone. And chubby. And about to have an orange weiner.
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Freakdad
"I'm gonna have to get around to that."

Stoner for "I'm never doing that."
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Freakdad
There may be 101 uses for duct tape, but only nine of them are gonna help me get laid tonight.
@Freakdad
Freakdad
Know how you say "GO FUCK YOURSELF" in a way kids will understand?
"Each Sold Separately"
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Freakdad
Pepsi's throwback can with real sugar would be no match for Coke's throwback can with real narcotics.
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Freakdad
There is currently a mass bear migration going on in the vicinity of my mouth of the gummi persuasion.
@Freakdad
Freakdad
Know why a woman's midrif is called a waist? Cause you coulda put two more tits there.
@Freakdad
Freakdad
My friend's 4yo daughter just asked me what I was going to be for christmas. All cute aside, I told her drunk and bitter.
@Freakdad
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