Twitter is like having hundreds of sick, sex/drug addicted, alcoholic, nuerotic, narcissistic pen pals from around the world. I'm home.

I do whatever I want as long as its ok with my wife.

Why do people beg to differ? Just differ, no biggie.

Pretty psyched. Drove by one of those electronic speed limit trackers today and beat my high score.

Found a bag of weed in my son's bedroom, absolutely horrified! The thing was practically all stems and seeds.

I lose a lot of arguments just so I can finish watching my show.

I hope everyone is telling the truth, I get all my news from Twitter.

Homosexuality is not permitted according to the Bible. But God created rainbows, waterfalls and zebras...that's gotta be a little gay, no?

I'm 72 minutes in trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o nephew did in one second to the TV remote.

I'm not shy. I just don't want new friends.

I'm so old I remember busy signals.

You can always tell when a guy started having kids by determining the year his current wardrobe was actually in style.

Van Halen's coming on tour, lock up your grandmothers.

Twitter is fun until you're in the mall and hear, "MILF69, is that you? Love your cleavage pic. Hey, where are you running?"

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you're dead ... then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

In order to pay for college, we just sold our house and will be moving in to our daughter's dorm room.

Shocked to hear my friend and his wife getting divorced even though they have a lot in common, like preferring to have sex only with women.

The best way to get back at your alarm clock is to die in your sleep.

When I finally retire, I'm making sure I never work again by going out and getting me a big ol' neck tattoo.

Heard a movie director saying he's doing a period piece, pretty disgusting topic for a movie.