Gonna start a motorcycle club for people like me with no tattoos, no prison record, don't ride motorcycles and like to stay inside.

I'm old enough to remember that all water used to be free and porn wasn't.

Today is gun owners accidentally shooting themselves on gun appreciation day appreciation day.

The Reese Witherspoon line, "You're about to find out who I am." would've been more threatening if rather than an actress, she was The Hulk.

So sad. My uncle is a psychic, and he's starting to get Alzheimer's. He keeps forgetting the names of people he hasn't met yet.

May return to stand-up because I need a place to try out my jokes for Twitter.

This Friday is Wizards of Waverly episode where Selena Gomez taught me how to do the Dougie before the scene!

My rational for every crazy woman I date- If she was gonna kill someone, she wouldn't done it by now.

me and Selena at WOWP wrap party tonight. http://t.co/EmK97g3 via @twitpic

This charity grabbed my heart. 2nite I donate. 5 RT's $100. 10 $300. 20, $500. I'll wait a few hours. check out video.

http://t.co/G9Gb1te

For the price of a latte, each day you could get a latte.

Have I ever begged for a RT before? My new @atomcomedy show. Please.
http://t.co/XyE8awRP

I need a therapy dog who can also prescribe medication for me.

If it weren't for Lance Armstrong I wouldn't know Oprah still has a show somewhere I can't find.

Why I got punched today: Saw a guy with tattoos all over his body & said, "I've made mistakes too, but they're not as visible."

To that guy I sorta know who turned his head pretending you didn't see me, I turned my head pretending I didn't see you first!

I have a lot of episodes of Hoarders on my DVR I never watch, and never will, but I just can't delete them.

If I get 40 RT's for this. I'll have a contest giving away my invitation for the last WOWP wrap party.

It's not brief nudity if you could pause it.

I love when big movie stars do animation work because of their kids because I worry so much about their children.