The down side of long term relationships is that they last so fucking long!

Im desperately looking for the cheat codes to finish my marriage!

It appears that the Vatican has something against homosexuality. Interesting opinion, for an 'men-only' society that wears robes.

I should put this morning wood on e-bay. It's in mint condition!

I'm so drunk people are actually starting to like me!

A man walks into a liquor store... and buys a 6-pack.
When it comes to liquor stores, I don't joke around!

I bet you redneck circumcisions involve a toe truck.

Yesterday, I had sex 4 times.

Masturbation is considered sex, right?

What's better than being with 4 lesbian friends in my local pub? Being with 4 drunken lesbian friends in my local pub !!

If I could be German just for one day, I would get drunk. Because that's what I do. Every day. Even when I'm not German.

During the wedding my ex mother-in-law walked around without panties. That was to keep the flies of my ex-wife.

I got my midget neighbor a bonsai tree for his birthday so he can make himself a swing.

I would never stand in line for a handout. I will accept pity fucks though.

I hope the woman next to me has to fart soon, so the smell will mask her body odor !

Favstar should have an 'electrocute button' we can press to fry people with inspirational tweets.

Sometimes I wish I were black so I didn't have to justify the size of my penis all the time.

When I'm asking a woman if she's introvert or extrovert, I hope she realizes we're talking orgasms.

Attn IPhone : stop fucking auto-rotating when I try to get a better look at someone's cleavage!!

I had a stare-off contest with my penis and I lost. But it wasn't really fair because my penis only has one eye!

I take medication mainly for the side effects. You guys too, right ?