Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It's not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

I don't think thinking is what you think it is

She was torn between her desire to continue the silent treatment and her desire to say rude things about my new shirt

Always remind her to 'calm down' and 'be reasonable'. Otherwise she might forget those things and remain enraged

Good is always under construction. Bad comes ready-made

The only things holding me back from world renown are my too high standards and my fear of public ridicule and my lack of talent

I thought I hated emoticons but then I realized it is really that I hate texting and then I realized that I hate communicating

Everyone with a nicer car than me is a shallow poseur and everyone with a crappier car is a pathetic loser. I really feel sorry for them tho

I have a lot of new memories to forget

I have just enough intelligence not to try to understand anything

What sort of unholy shit is the tooth fairy doing with all these kiddie teeth anyway?

She said she intends to spend the evening in bed by herself, reading Nietzsche. She pronounced it correctly, so she might be serious

Realizing that you dislike someone because they remind you of yourself is most unpleasant the first time

She hardly ever says what she means but will sometimes get sneaky and say something similar

I'm just going to pencil you in here for every day from now on and I'm doing it in pen

The ability or, if I may say, art of loading a dishwasher in a manner impervious to harsh criticism is one that is not given to all men

I stopped being a 14 year old black kid when I was about 28

You keep getting hotter and more desirable when I thought you were already unsurpassable. How do you do that?

My charm must be subtle and rarefied, just in case you were wondering why it is not evident

When people ask me what I do for a living, I'm sometimes tempted to be straightforward and say "Determine who I should CC in emails".