Just saw a man laying on the concrete in the sun. He must think he's hot shit.

Murder She Subtweeted

My bucket list is mostly just tweet ups with you guys.

Seriously considering some major life changes. Mostly just the Avi though. Be prepared.

I always make sure to message guys "no homo" when I friend request them on Facebook

I didn't believe in vampires until after my divorce.

This is the second time now that I've been stabbed for whistling on the street.

PSA: Most fatal bear attacks start out as cuddles.

Like a pit of quicksand, but toasted marshmallows.

We started our kid on solids this week, which I thought my wife would be happy about, but i guess it's a hassle making breast cheese.

"You can't tell me what to do, you're not my real dad!" ~ Jesus to Joseph probably

Nice try black people, but the term "cracker" never really offended anyone except maybe guys named Graham.

"I declare this to be Marshall Law!" ~ Jude Law naming his future son

.yaw gnorw eht lla siht ta gnikool er'uoY

Girl are you a porn star? Cause my wife keeps catching me looking at you.

Hey girl, are you a surgeon? Cause I am literally holding my carotid artery together with my hand right now.

Thanks to all the inspirational tweeters out there for sharing their wizdumb

S&M for most people just means Sit & Masturbate.

A TotD from @craigdtull !
Hopefully we can be that close one day bro, but if we have to force it, its probably shit.

 http://favstar.fm/t/337077911146336256 …

Thanks for the trophy @jsteele3966 !
Unfortunately 911 couldn't save my marriage, but I got a tweet from it!

 http://favstar.fm/t/334922927675940864 …