@FriedWords' (Derek) most faved Tweets...
Sometimes I don't feel like being funny. But then the 3 yr old sticks a crayon up his butt and well, that shit won't tweet itself.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy vodka, comic books, midget strippers, a pony andOH GOD I'M SO HAPPY!
"Dad, why don't people make snow-women?"
"Because snow isn't cold enough."
"..."
"Don't tell your mom."
"Because snow isn't cold enough."
"..."
"Don't tell your mom."
I'm worried cuz a coworker has incriminating nude photos of me. She's threatened to use them against me if I don't stop sending them to her.
Yeah, bitches! I just sharpened a pencil with a KNIFE. I feel like such a man. I'm gonna go show my mom. BRB
At the planetarium with my family. I think my wife was surprised to discover she's not the center of the universe.
Hot coals? Pffft, try walking barefoot across a floor full of Legos.
RELATED: My kid now thinks Jesus Christ's middle name is 'fucking'.
RELATED: My kid now thinks Jesus Christ's middle name is 'fucking'.
I think the way I'm eating this banana is making everyone uncomfortable. I should probably at least take a bite.
ME: How about a quickie? *pulls pants down*
WIFE: As opposed to what?
ME: ... *slowly pulls pants back up*
WIFE: As opposed to what?
ME: ... *slowly pulls pants back up*
Listen kids, money's tight. So when I make you balloon animals you should say 'thank you' and not complain about the lubricant.
I refuse to worry about wrinkles anymore. Besides, the botox I used on my scrotum burned and just made my balls look surprised all the time.
My oldest son just asked for something 'healthier' to eat instead of Lucky Charms. So yeah, he's no longer my favorite.
SON: I want a knife & a crossbow for Christmas.
ME: Well at least somebody's taking my Zombie Apocalypse theory seriously. *glares at wife*
ME: Well at least somebody's taking my Zombie Apocalypse theory seriously. *glares at wife*
"Dad, where does God live?" "God lives inside each of us, son. Like a magic tapeworm slowly devouring our souls... Welp, goodnight."
You can't choose your family, but you can choose the mannequins you get to play them in your basement diorama.
"Dad, was there colored TV when you were a kid?"
"Yes, and it's called 'African American TV' you rascist little jerk."
"Yes, and it's called 'African American TV' you rascist little jerk."
Just used my phone to record my wife snoring. She'd kill me if I ever played this in front of her friends. So... I guess this is goodbye.
Son was thrilled to get his first love note today.
"That's nice. But once she realizes you're not a vampire or werewolf you're screwed."
"That's nice. But once she realizes you're not a vampire or werewolf you're screwed."
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