@FriedWords' (Derek) recent favourites. See who @FriedWords favs the most...
Today is the equinox. That means we get the exact same amount of daylight and darkness. Sounds like socialism. I blame Obama.
Manscape much? screams the billboard. The black dog licks itself to taste what might have been. The hipster in the kilt says, Blasted wind!
11
Twittering to become 'famous' is like 'hugging' to procreate
It's possible; but it's more than likely going to require you getting naked
It's possible; but it's more than likely going to require you getting naked
I like women with a great set of teeth. Yours look like you threw the pin instead of the grenade, but I dig bravery. #putdownpickuplines
3
I hate having sex missionary style. I always wind up wearing a suit and screaming at my girlfriend about the sanctity of marriage.
11
I just clicked on a large crumb on my keyboard. Of course, this is how I normally log on to twitter.
Rehearsal dinner tonight. I didn't really know anyone there, but almost everyone enjoyed my toast about how kickass the bride's boobs are.
You know how when you're really constipated it feels like you're being poisoned from within and you start to kind of miss that gerbil?
11
If there’s one thing Luke Wilson has taught me it’s that it’s OK to eat an entire large pizza after 10PM….
8
There's a sugar named Galactose that's the primary culprit for farty-gas after eating beans.
I bet Stan Lee knew this.
I bet Stan Lee knew this.
2
Damn, that ass is smokin'! Good thing it was large enough to survive re-entry.
#putdownpickuplines
#putdownpickuplines
10
THE MONTH-OLD MCMUFFIN IN MY GLOVE COMPARTMENT BECAME SELF-AWARE AT 2:14AM EASTERN TIME, AUGUST 29TH
"On an all new Monster Garage, Jesse and the crew build a golf cart with a queen size bed and a stripper pole for a pro golfer comeback!"
9
I'm really getting into this homopathic medicine, but why does it all have to be in suppository form?
3
Before you go thinking I'm white trash maybe I should remind you that there's wine inside this styrofoam cup.
Tip: To have your favorites shown faster, follow @favstar