@FriedWords' (Derek) recently faved Tweets...
I have the flu, so my son said, "I heard that the flu can kill you, Dad."
"Not me," I said.
"How come?"
"Cuz that's your Mother's job."
"Not me," I said.
"How come?"
"Cuz that's your Mother's job."
"Dad, are you afraid of ghosts?"
"Only when I think of all the people who've died & how they must have us seriously outnumbered...G'night!"
"Only when I think of all the people who've died & how they must have us seriously outnumbered...G'night!"
"Dad, did you know in some countries men don't know their wives till after they get married?"
"Um, it's like that in every country, son."
"Um, it's like that in every country, son."
Apparently, Victoria's Secret frowns on taking the mannequins with you inside the dressing room... In my defense, I did try on the clothes.
I'm not unemployed, but I do work in advertising during a recession. Which means my job is about as secure as the Octomom's vagina.
My kids have turned me into a spermicidal maniac. It's like a bad Dexter spin-off where the episodes only last two minutes.
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Son got his tonsils out today, so I bought 5 gallons of ice cream. It was delicious. Now I'm going to buy him some.
Just watched the documentary FOOD, INC. And I'm absolutely disgusted. From now on, I'm only having sex with organic chickens.
A new study found that the number one reason more men die before their wives is because 'they want to'.
CPA? Pfft, I Just did my taxes all by myself for the first time and still got a refund.
Oh yeah, if anyone asks, I have fourteen kids.
Oh yeah, if anyone asks, I have fourteen kids.
With all the kinky slapping & scratching, I thought the role-playing was going well... until I realized I was in the wrong house.
Marriage is like a sweet romance story till you get to the lame M. Night Shyamalan twist where you realize you've been dead for years.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I'm not beating her.
Time to go to the bathroom and perform my own opening ceremonies. Like Canada's, there'll be tap dancing & a little awkward gay fiddling.
A coworker announced he's getting married. I told him how happy my marriage has made me. But he's still going through with it anyway.
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