Those of you complaining Obama didn't deserve to win the Nobel Peace Prize obviously didn't catch the swimsuit portion of the competition.

Garth Brooks is coming back? You have to cut off the head people. The HEAD.

Just heard my mother mention Astroglide.

If I ever invent a time machine, the first place I'm going is three minutes before right now.

If you send me one more Mafia invite, we're playing for real motherfucker.

Accountant says my home based hamster milking business is still in the red.

He just doesn't understand... it was never about the money.

Newbie made Decaf coffee in the Regular pot. I'd stab her in the neck, but I just don't have the energy. Well played noob. Well played.

Why are Brits spending so much money surrounding the Pope with bulletproof glass? He doesn't SHOOT the children.

Awoke to find my neighbor running around the bedroom naked and screaming incoherently.

Eventually, I just went home.

They make toaster tongs, so why not tampon tongs? I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry your bagel tastes funny.

I assume you text to take your mind off the carnage constantly unfolding in your rear-view mirror.

I always feel self-conscious buying cucumbers at the store.
It's gotten to the point I take them home BEFORE I test them for girth.

Just when you think your sphincter has reached the limit of its elasticity...

Boom

Windows 8

It either snowed last night or Courtney Love sneezed on my lawn.

I can't decide what is more embarassing?

Getting to church late, or discovering my strap-on is on inside out.

Does sticking a pencil far enough up my nose to lobotomize the part of my brain that remembers this conference call count as multi-tasking?

Because I now see you're nuts, I refuse to continue discussing the inappropriate length of your running shorts.

I'll bet if @dalailama drove to work in this traffic every day, his tweets would be more like ours.

Listening to IT guy explain GoogleWave gives me a better understanding of the look on my Golden Retriever's face as he watches me masturbate

If picturing your audience in their underwear isn't working, try picturing them with squirrel genitalia.

Is there such a thing as sleep stripping? Because I just woke up w/glitter on my nipple

and Daddy issues

and a scorching case of gonorrhea