Why do I get the feeling some Sudanese orphanage is about to get a big box of never-worn Pope Caligula I XXL T-shirts?

Just watched my first episode of Catfish.

Now I am thinking you guys are all made up.

Ever on a conference call so long it forces you to consider whether your empty coffee cup holds more than your bladder?

My 14yo just got her learner's permit.

Now I understand why driving instructors always wear brown pants.

I have been to Colorado...

...but I didn't inhale

Sorry, I just got done washing my hands.

...is what I tell people when I accidentally pee on my hands.

Finally my ears got to appreciate Letterman's jokes the way my mind always does.

I just realized. I am pretty gay for myself.

All arguments in favor of a loving God falter under the weight of incontrovertible evidence that some Mondays my bodega runs out of coffee.

If you won't text me a photo of your penis, how will I know whether the new iPhone makes penises look bigger or smaller?

Genius my ass.

Forced shoe removal and naked body scans are part of the TSA's clandestine operation to correlate foot size to penis length.

For freedom.

This toilet seat is way too warm.

It is what I imagine telling Santa what I want for Christmas would be like at a nudist colony.

I got cold last night, saw some dirty socks laying next to his bed, and put them on.

Annnndd... that's how my feet got pregnant.

One nice thing about wearing a collared shirt with the sleeves torn off...
your entire day is filled with nothing but exceeding expectations

How old are you when you forget whether you took your medication?

Because that is how old I am.

I want to fuck that guy with the really loud exhaust pipes on his motorcycle... said no one ever.

My elderly neighbor came outside in curlers and a mumu to retrieve from her bush yesterday's news, printed on actual paper. She's so hipster

I sniff office pencils and make up a back stories to match the smells.

And that is why I no longer look our CEO in the eyes.

If my vagina is cleaner than that faucet, do I still have to wash my hands before returning to work?

I am still confused on the difference between fisting and jazz hands, which makes me very unpopular at orgies... and dance recitals.