If your TV show uses nondescript, stereotypical Asian music when someone mentions an Asian country...shhh. Stop doing that.

A woman voting for Romney/Ryan is like a black person waving a confederate flag. Pull your heads out of your asses, Ladies.

If my panties crawl up any farther they are going to have to send my insurance a bill for a pap smear.

"Basically, it's going to be very gay. And by gay I mean homosexual. When you see the wedding it will make you think of two men having sex."

I'm not model material nowadays but a Viking would have traded many oxen for my hand in marriage.

I'd like to have sex with a Chiropractor and right as he is about to come whisper, "You're not a real doctor" into his ear.

I want to know what love is. I want you to blow me.

Tomorrow is Follow Friday, or as I like to call it "All the comedians I follow gargle each others balls for an entire day."

I have never seen Top Gun, but I watched gay porn once so I don't feel like I've really missed out on anything.

I think @thepandoraboxx needs her own show. It would be a lovechild of The Brini Maxwell Show, SNL, and Drag Race. HEAVEN.

According to the woman loudly yelling on her phone in front of my apartment, Haywood (her baby daddy) is "up to some shit."

That last tweet was a text I received from @jamison_daniels, re: his wedding theme.

In retrospect, shouting "Put a baby in me!" at men might be why I don't usually get a second date.

So hungry you are mad: hangry. So horny you are mad: hornery.

The interesting thing about music theatre is that you can casually say, "Yeah, I'm auditioning for the role of a nazi prostitute."

The best part of chilly New England winters is the constant opportunity to pretend you are a dragon when you are outside.

@edwardboylejr You are warming my god damn heart. Hope all is well and Merry Xmas!

Being a Libertarian is the new having-a-mustache-finger-tattoo.

Managed to not shout "He is risen!" When I saw my boyfriend's morning wood. Is this what it feels like to be a grown up?

"This part makes me cry!"-- Me every ten minutes while watching A League of Their Own