I built that beach a sandcastle.
Beaches love sandcastles.

If Kim Kardashian ever gets in a car accident and no one makes a KarKrashian joke, you're all dead to me.

Of course I support buying local. That's why I buy weed from my neighbor.

All I want in a man is someone who will high-five me when I let one rip.

Tomorrow my good deed will be to give a hobo a blowjob.

My good deed for the day will be to judo-chop apart the hands of hand-holding couples and scream, "YOU CAN ONLY TRUST YOURSELF!"

A coworker's wife shaves his ass for him.

And now you can't un-know that either.

I'm hungry but broke so I'm waiting for my bf to say he's hungry too than he'll order something delicious while I pretend to be indifferent.

Just lit a candle in my bathroom cuz I'm the most romantic after I drop a deuce at 2am.

Lace panties are only good for making a vagina feel like its gone through a cheese shredder all day.

Don't talk to me, I have a crush on you.

Show your bitch the world. Bitches love worlds.

My good deed for the day will be to duct tape the mouths of small children and watch their parents collapse in relief then bow down to me.

Now that I'm single, I can tweet about my vagina with no shame!


VAAAAAAAAGINA!





Vagina.





Vagine.





And... done.




Boobs.

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a microwave, asking it to feed me.

You guys are pretty nice to me considering I'm making room in my freezer for you.

Don't act like I don't stalk you.

I'll make your day, I don't give a fuck.

I think weed is messing with my memory. I can't remember shit anymore! I think it's because weed is messing with my memory.

I hung out with a gay person and I didn't catch it.
I just wanted some of you rednecks to know that.