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If Kim Kardashian ever gets in a car accident and no one makes a KarKrashian joke, you're all dead to me.
Of course I support buying local. That's why I buy weed from my neighbor.
All I want in a man is someone who will high-five me when I let one rip.
A coworker's wife shaves his ass for him.
And now you can't un-know that either.
Tomorrow my good deed will be to give a hobo a blowjob.
My good deed for the day will be to judo-chop apart the hands of hand-holding couples and scream, "YOU CAN ONLY TRUST YOURSELF!"
Don't talk to me, I have a crush on you.
I'm hungry but broke so I'm waiting for my bf to say he's hungry too than he'll order something delicious while I pretend to be indifferent.
Show your bitch the world. Bitches love worlds.
I think weed is messing with my memory. I can't remember shit anymore! I think it's because weed is messing with my memory.
Just lit a candle in my bathroom cuz I'm the most romantic after I drop a deuce at 2am.
Lace panties are only good for making a vagina feel like its gone through a cheese shredder all day.
You guys are pretty nice to me considering I'm making room in my freezer for you.
Unless you're a fucking cheerleader, don't just give me a K.
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a microwave, asking it to feed me.
My good deed for the day will be to duct tape the mouths of small children and watch their parents collapse in relief then bow down to me.
Now that I'm single, I can tweet about my vagina with no shame!
I'll make your day, I don't give a fuck.
I'm not funny anymore, but check out my tweets from 2010! Hoo-boy!
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