"Sorry I missed church today. I was too busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian."

"What sexual position is your favorite?"

"The one where the dick is in my pussy."

Pffft! Stupid question.

Every time I see the Alvin & the Chipmunks Sqeakquel commercials, I go find a real chipmonk and kick it through a fan.

Patience is not one of my virtues. Hell, what am I talking about? Virtue is not one of my virtues.

Classmate next to me said I smell like cigarettes. Well, guess what bitch, I think you smell like cunt. Don't fuck with me today.

Watching news.
They said: More on Sarah Palin next..
I heard: Moron Sarah Palin next...
I'm going with my version.

I suck at sexting. I'm more of an 'in real life' blow job kind of girl.

Just figured out it's im-fucking-possile to get stars if you don't tweet anything. Who the hell is running this shithole dump?

Last night, husband said my new haircut/ color is "hot & fuckable", then he went to bed. Maybe my boyfriend will fuck me for it.

You say tomato...I say fuck you.

This day needs more licks on my clit.

Wanna know why witches don't wear panties? So they can get a better grip on their broom.

Guys, don't even think that women don't masturbate all the time too. We do. A lot. Or maybe it's just me. I'm kinda sore now.

Does this new bra make my tits look lonely? http://twitpic.com/d89rg

I hope 20 year olds fuck better than they did the last time I fucked a 20 year old...almost 20 years ago.

Change in plans. Masturbate, cig, then nap. In that order. I should probably leave the nail salon first though. Thank you Saturday. Kisses!

I've decided to fuck the pain away...starting now.

Sexting would be so much easier (and satisfying) if my phone was shaped like a dildo.

Pound cake is not nearly as naughty as it sounds. And I am now embarrased.

He can't be insane, I've never seen him at the meetings.