"A dick with a foreskin is like a snake with a turtleneck" -@kater__t0ts

"I just ate two fat chicks so I need this smoke." -@jmfingsparks

Is it me, or were Ren and Stimpy funnier when I was recreationally using drugs?

Hey ladies who just graduated college: that 200k a year and diploma don't mean shit if you don't put a dick in your mouth.

My kids: Dad, what's to eat?
Me: tosses snack bag of chips.
Kids: Dad!!!!
Me: Shhhhh. I'm about to get max prestige. Eat your chips.

"I'm like the dude on the Notebook" -@jmfingsparks

Kids. Need to "feed them" and give them "something to drink" or "the police will be called again" Whatever.

@lilnatebigworld Seriously, you are way underfollowed. Hang in there, great stuff.

@jmfingsparks and I decided that, even though we are not gay, we should be married on Facebook. Fuck you if you don't think this is funny.

how does @lilnatebigworld have less than 1000 followers? HOW?

Maybe if Barbara Mandrell had made a sandwich she wouldn't have slept single in a double bed.

@blondechacha Thanks for the love and the shout out! <3

I love pizza so much. I would fold it in half and make sweet sweet love to it. I would do this if I hadn't already been arrested for it...

I don't want to say that Billie Joe Armstrong did masturbation wrong, but if it looses its fun, you're doing it wrong...

Ladies, I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and have finished one load of laundry and started a second. This is how foreplay is done right?

I slept weird on my right side last night and now it hurts. I checked WebMD and it's either brain cancer or I'm pregnant.

I like to go to church, fill out the "My Name Is..." and put Jesus. Then whenever someone says Jesus, I yell out "Fuck! What now!?"

Unfollow in 3, 2, 1.... pic.twitter.com/ZeZr2KwIAo

Thanks @weyayechick for the new cup! I didn't mind waiting for it!

The following is based on true events: "I need sleep. I just threw my phone in the trash and tried texting on my Pop Tart."