You don't know poor until you skip meals so your kids don't have to

I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit a better argument than that

If you are laughing at your tweet as you type it and not thinking how everyone else will like it, you are doing it right

The best tweets are typed and sent before the oh shit feeling sets in

Sometimes I'm funny and the rest of the time I'm sober

Girls forget milkshakes


Whiskey and fireworks will bring all the boys to your yard

I don't always get extremely shit faced at classy events but when I do it's fucking epic

I could never respect a dude that looks like he is wearing his little sisters jeans

He guys being faithful doesn't make you a pussy.


Telling her she's the only one and then cheating does

Adding "and shit" to the end of any sentence is the perfect way to sound gangsta and shit

I am old enough to have owned pantera albums on cassete

If you pick the wrong person to be your rock in life they will anchor you to the depths and drown you

Run into a bank fumbling a toy gun then drop it and yell "Do Over" loudly and run out

I like to end short conversations saying "your moms a whore" softly

I live every day hoping I don't fuck up my kids the way my parents fucked me up

i have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to every question they are asked

As I sit here with my wife cuddled up to me on the couch i realize that no matter what happens this is my happy place

It’s almost like these coaches can’t hear me yelling at them through the tv

Next time I hear a dude say "bros before hoes" I'm gonna tell him to get used to the taste of shit because pussy isn't for him

You and I apparently have different ideas about the level of your talent