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The anxiety I feel when someone momentarily holds my phone must be the same new parents feel when a stranger holds their day-old baby
I'm cool with gay dudes. What I'm not cool with are straight dudes who use the word "fabulous" like it's no big deal.
Blow me once, shame on you. Blow me twice, seriously thank you.
Why can't we as a society agree on who is horrible and have them euthanized? Like that receptionist who didn't notice my haircut.
It's not that I'm fashionably late, I just fashionably don't give a shit
I'm like a used car salesman when it comes to my dick: "low mileage, clean exterior, price so low I'm practically GIVING it away!"
You know who also had a high follower count? Hitler. That fucker didn't retweet shit either, so fuck you.
Behind every bitchy, crazy, high maintenance cunt of a woman, there is a man who swears to GOD she gives the best head he’s ever had.
And to think my soulmate is also out there somewhere with her phone down her pants, set to vibrate, hoping that you keep starring her tweets
I get a little chubby every time I think of you; most likely because I'm a stress eater.
Justin Bieber is on the cover of Rolling Stone and I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I don't get why people are so crazy about friends with benefits. Sure, the sex is fine and all, but I have yet to receive my insurance card.
Whatever, single 20-somethings, I’ll take a MILF who knows herself and is a kickass mother any day of the week.
I wish I could fuck a girl as hard as I just got fucked at the gas station
Jesus probably didn’t say anything about gays because he was more preoccupied with helping the sick and the poor. Take note, republicans.
Fuck it, I'll settle for a sugar grandma. Oatmeal cookies and a blowjob doesn't sound half bad.
My tweets are a quiet cry for help, but you sick fuckers keep staring them
Read some tweets to my mom and she said "gross!" and dry gagged, so I told her that's why dad left
Just gave my imaginary girlfriend a Dutch oven. She's SO pissed! Must be on her period. Bitch.
Can't tell whether I'm horny or hungry. So this is aging, huh?