Rest assured, if a crazy guy broke into the Senate chambers and murdered 20 Senators, gun control legislation would be passed within a month

How does Mario's plumbing business stay afloat when he always off fucking around?

Working on an Amish erotic thriller called "Fifty Bales of Hay."

Remember: a woman's nipples are very sensitive, so whatever you do, don't yell at them.

I want to get a drum set but my wife doesn't want me to, so we compromised and decided not to get a drum set.

By not living in a palace of gold while millions starve. RT @pontifex: How can we celebrate the Year of Faith better in our daily lives?

So far no bites for my new screenplay, "The Last of the Mohicans 2: Turns Out There Was One More Mohican."

The Clitoral Hood sounds like the seedy part of town where all of the "tough" clitorises hang out.

Office Prank: hide your sadness deep inside as you sit in your cubicle doing the same repetitive tasks for 40 years.

Fart into your cupped hand. Now smell it. Congratulations, you just visited India.

Do adults who ride bikes know about cars?

I bet Wonder Woman is a squirter.

#GrandTheftAutoMemories Driving over that hooker with my car, then going home and playing Grand Theft Auto

Kinda bullshit that there wasn't a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

Joe Biden and Paul Ryan should both drop out of the race and star together in the best buddy cop movie of all time.

I just farted in a Denny's and now I'm their head chef.

Stealing a stripper's infant is like taking a baby from Candy.

"Lowes before hos." - guy who is SUPER into home improvement

Girl, your eyes are so big and beautiful you look like an owl oh my god you are an owl I have been having intercourse with an owl

Thought I saw Tom Petty but it was just a pair of dentures sitting on top of an overflowing ashtray.