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My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself "I run this house"
Just saw a 4 year old get stuck in a jungle gym and yell "what the fuck???". This day can't be ruined now.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
My wife packs a suitcase like she is giving a handjob. She loses interest halfway through and makes me finish the job.
Getting married and having kids causes you to lose some of who you are. Twitter gives it back 140 characters at a time
My cell phone isn't wireless anymore. Twitter has caused me to have to keep it charging all day long.
Can't wait to get to the office. I have a long day of sitting at my desk and wishing I was dead ahead of me.
At 1am I'm going to wake up my 2 year old by yelling his name and crying. Then, I'll crawl into his toddler bed. Let's see how he likes it.
MEN: If your wife mutters "why do I even speak?", DO NOT REPLY "I have no fucking idea either". Hope that helps!
My wife asked me what "private browsing" was for. I told her: Tranny porn. She laughed and then I covered my boner with a My Little Pony
I did so much yard work today, I might get deported.
I apparently pissed my wife off with something I said. I wish I knew what it was, the silence is amazing!
How do I politely tell my wife to shut the fuck up or I will burn the house down?
Culinary fact: everything tastes better with beer
I masturbate so much that when I look at my right hand I get an erection
Yes, you have huge breasts, but at 300lbs it is fucking inevitable. Cover up.
When I jackoff off at the in laws house, I feel like the ghost of my wife's grandmother is watching me in disapproval. Turns me on!
Wifey just told me that Twitter makes her feel unloved. I told her not to blame Twitter, its most likely the attention I don't give her.
Debate is over. Twitter will now go back to titties, drugs, and poop jokes!
This lady on the treadmill next to me is wheezing like a beagle birthing a litter. I am noticeably aroused.