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Guy at the sex toy shop just said “It’s gonna be busy as hell here this weekend, with it being Mother’s Day and all.” I want to marry him.
This guy on FB doesn't look familiar, but his multiple check-ins at Gun Shows & WalMart indicate that we likely went to high school together
I swear I’m never getting laid again. I could’ve stayed married for this shit.
Sorry, dude. I appreciate that your fantasy is sex with an older woman. Unfortunately, mine isn’t fucking a guy who hasn’t learned how yet.
Found 5 ketchup packets from a place I’ve never eaten in my pantry. Now there’s a bigger mystery to solve than that “meaning of life” BS.
I’ve discovered it only takes 1.5 episodes of Duck Dynasty for OxyContin to kick in.
I’m dating five different guys, but only fucking one of them. I think this is what economists call a “poor return on investment.”
I kinda like this new guy I’m out with tonight. Might even let him try to find my tits later.
I never feel less alone than when I start to type some deranged question into the Goole search bar and it autocompletes that shit.
Returned my rental car today, so now I have to turn on my headlights myself. Like a fucking commoner.
I’m heading to LA to spend the weekend with three hot gay guys. I’m pretty sure that makes me a Scientologist.
There’s probably no sadder inanimate object than the swing set at a nudist colony.
Calling yourself an “unselfish lover” is a pretty fancy way to let women know you’re down with eating pussy. And that you probably are one.
Highlight of Today: Finally remembering to shave that random patch of hair I always miss on my left ankle. No shit. That’s not sad at all.
Last night at the bar I saw myself in 30 years. It ain't pretty, but it's gonna be fun as shit.
If I know @urcajunkuzin, this trophy is gonna be full of Pappy’s moonshine & menthol ashes before long. Thanks, momma!! http://t.co/Ru3pvzDj
My sister bought a hot pink fiddle signed by Louise Mandrell instead of school clothes for her kids. At least Show & Tell will be covered.
The 15 minute conversation I had with my lawn guy could’ve been easily avoided if I would’ve just put on a bra before answering the door.
It’s a complete waste of talent that a hokey pokey superstar such as myself is sitting at home alone on Saturday night.
Jack Daniels, if you please.
