@mattthemedic @history As if "Ice Road Truckers" wasn't the first big clue. You're right, though. Now they've really "thrown in the shroud."

@lisafarted And that's not an erection in my pants, it's a tailoring point.

@elibraden Hey, anyone know of any good porn sites on the Internet?

@dankcharnley P.S. Extra points to you for having the funniest profile text of all time.

@turbograndma As always, Nikki, you know how to bring the funny.

@dankcharnley Mastubation joke. #dontgetpissy

@dankcharnley Ironically, I suspect, your socks wouldn't be nearly so "yellow, hardened and easily replaceable" if you actually had a woman.

@mmflint Funny, I wrote the TSA a really long complaint about a) allowing small-bladed pocketknives on planes, and b) pat-owns on toddlers.

@shelbyfero You're funny, funny, Shelby. I'm glad I'm following you. Now at the next turn, you'll see an In-And-Out Burger. Just kidding.

@iammaggiemull #daveandbustmyfinancialballs

@iammaggiemull See, didn't I tell you $350 could go far?

@iammaggiemull Set a reasonable limit on how much money to put on your Power Card. Like maybe $350 to "keep it real." #D&BVegasForKids

@boobsradley Odd. I thought anal was the best ice-breaker.

@elibraden Must share: Saw headline "Body of baby killed in carjacking found." I'm an a-hole, but the baby shouldn't have car-jacked someone

@ahm76 @tweetdeezknutz I wouldn't count on VA hospitals.Try a private counselor who's worked with vets.Bless him and thanks for his service.

@someskirt Likewise for the missing 's' in douche.

@elibraden "Work Hard" (sign in the break room of the porno shoot).

@lisafarted Right after they phase out the McAdamsRib.

@wendyliebman @aishatyler Erie, PA is OK to set on fire. But leave the Lake alone. #enoughtroublesinthe70's

@shawngarrett For a second there, I thought you meant that you PEEKED during your mom's 2nd trimester. That would be gross and awkward.