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Instead of Naked & Afraid they should have a show called Baked & Afraid where they put really high ppl in an abandoned grocery store.
As far as I can tell... the only problem with Chinese restaurants is they don't serve nachos.
It pisses me off that bird dogs can't fly.
Somebody should have dedicated that whole "give it away give it away now" song to Peyton Manning.
The world needs more famous ppl named Gary.
I keep having this nightmare where one of my roommates wakes me up from a sound and peaceful sleep to take out the trash. Fuck you, Mom.
The high point of my 34th birthday will be masturbating and the low point will be masturbating... the third time. #loselose
Hey ladies... I'll make a deal with you... you put my balls in your mouth and I'll take you to the zoo to see baby animals.
Can't we all just agree that women are the greatest thing in the world. They're also bat shit crazy, but that's not my point.
When I was 17 I sold all of my Hotwheels in a garage sale and I have regretted it ever since.