My Mother drives me to drink but then I'd be like her so f*ck it.

I would do anything for love, but I won't do meatloaf.

I see dead-to-me people.

Currently juggling emotions.

Don't worry, I'm bound to drop one.

There's nothing like getting the shits on a Friday. Oh, and telling it to everyone on twitter.

Ya' know that annoying keyboard riff from "The Final Countdown" that is in my head? Now it's in your head too.

I'm slightly disappointed that my sore throat did not come from demented behavior.

I'd like to slap the person that came up with the rim job. These toilets are not coming clean!

I know I make a lot of jokes about my mother but truth be told she really is a total bitch.

Currently thinking outside of my box.

I <3 my clit!

You know there has to be some asshole out there with all his/her followers on Excel Spreadsheets.

My entire life is a Murphy's Law.

Unfortunately there is no 'hate' in 'participate'.

I <3 PENIS. Seriously.

I almost got in a car accident while looking at the Billboard for #AmericanDad where Stan is in the V bathing suit. #soworthit

I hate my own self-loathing.

My Sister-In-Law is having a Mary Kay/Tattoo/Piercing Party. I wish I was joking.....

I fell and stubbed my clit. How does this keep happening? .....fapfapfap

Oh lawd, people must be getting desperate if they're stealing my tweets.