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My 7 year old daughter just informed me I'm too old to have a mohawk. In related news, my daughter is looking for a new place to live.
Fuck the Snuggie! I just invented a black hoodie with a ski mask attached and a loaded Glock 23 in the front pocket. I call it the Muggie.
If you walk past a guy in his car, blasting Sade and crying profusely, that's me. And get the fuck out of there cuz shit's about to go down.
I hate when people say stupid shit like "Why are you covered in blood" and "Where did you get that severed head" and "I'm calling the cops".
I hate when my pet rock jumps through a neighbor's window and then I have to crawl through the window to get him and rob their house.
Robbing banks is so 1800's. Just go get yourself an accounting degree and go work for J.P.Morgan or Goldman Sachs and rob people legally.
From now on, when you murder someone and dump them in a lake or in the ocean, you gotta say "Bin Laden style muthafucka!"
"We should have let them starve to death." - Indians
I accidentally knocked over my daughters giant Lego building she made. It's ok though, I blamed it on radical Muslims like a good American.
People always say pigs can't fly like they've never seen a police helicopter before.
Jokes on Twitter don't offend me. The Patriot Act, corporate bailouts, endless wars, corrupt politicians and the justice system offends me.
I wish this cop would stop riding my ass, it makes me paranoid. I also wish he'd turn his sirens off and stop trying to shoot out my tires.
My wife is half German. Which means I never turn my back to her when I'm near the oven.
If u see me naked,doing the New Kids On The Block"Hangin' Tough"dance in the middle of the road covered in blood,I probably killed someone.
We need to crack down on illegal prostitution. I would start with the biggest whore house in America, the U.S. House of Representatives.
God: Helping people score touchdowns, hit homeruns and nail three pointers all while starting wars, plagues and genocides.
He loves us.
America: Where people turn to violence over the last Xbox on the shelf but not over eroding civil liberties and a totalitarian government.
Sometimes I dream of chopping people up and putting them in a blender.Sometimes I dream of butterflies and rainbows.So it all evens out.
I'm at my most hypocritical when I'm ranting about the evil corporations then pause to take a drag of a Marlboro and a sip of Coca-Cola.
I'm guessing Christina Aguilera doesn't fit in that genie bottle anymore.