Mental note: If your going to be pussy-whipped, at least get some pussy out of it.

I'm looking pretty ridiculous walking thru this store in slow motion to avoid being at home with my annoying ass kids

I have an uncontrollable urge to end all of my email correspondence today with SHANK YOU. Passive/Agressive much?

In the "hail mary pass" of life I'm an ineligible receiver downfield.

Mubarak just filmed a commercial for Wrangler jeans with Brett Favre

The guy that made of the phrase "heave ho" must have had a surplus of dead hookers

Washing machine Jesus died for our spins

People say they're "concerned" Social Network is accepted as a factual documentary. I had the "concern" over The Passion of The Christ

It's no coincidence the faux-hawk rhymes with schmohawk!

I heard on ESPN last night that whichever Manning won last night got to bang the loser's wife.

I want to write a poem about my mother-in-law. What's a word that rhymes with pathological?

My intellect is only surpassed by my ability to be lazy

I don't know why people think we put too much pressure on kids. My kids can't pay attention long enough to tie both of their shoes.

Mankind is developing exponentially faster technologically than it is sociologically or psychologically

It's really confusing when the future me comes back through time, kicks me in the nuts and then doesn't explain why.

My caffeine level is not within the therapeutic dosage range

How to get to Oklahoma City: Drive between the plumes of wildfire smoke, dodge the tornados and then stop at the tollbooth to pay your $1.15

Me to my family: "You've all become Twitter fodder."

Replacing Peyton Manning with Kerry Collins is like replacing Johnny Carson with Jay Leno

I only missed the Oklahoma City land rush by 121 years, 11 months and 26 days