i've noticed a lot of people on twitter saying "i want 2 die" and i think it's important to know that you can just say "i want dice"

great... i'm sitting here completely oblivious and some idiot slashed all four of my tires. pic.twitter.com/9ju02ms2

girl, you must be an underage car salesperson, because i have zero interest until 2015.

"oh, these shoes are made of italian leather?" *gulps & backs away from clerk slowly* "do you have any that are made of, um... cow leather"

i'm a speed reader. *looks at train* that's fast. *looks at my chex mix* it's goin really slow

don't even get me started on shrek's sidekick, donkey. "everybody loves parfaits" how about "nobody likes sweeping generalizations" you fuck

I want 2 be killed by the machine that makes the dorito taco

"Best Until Date Stamped on Package" -the story of my romantic evening with an S&M mistress.

I'm convinced the original idea behind tiled flooring is to move like whichever chess piece you most identify with.

remember when twitter was just shaq posting his location and people going to find him in real life

RT if you got really scared when Mrs. Doubtfire threw the mask out the window and it got run over.

tell me you can read this and not think of some kind of horrific skeleton overlord http://t.co/zqCjouFM

driving is awesome because you can do a devastating troll on people and save lives just by driving the speed limit and making complete stops

saw my 9 year old cousin for the 1st time in a couple years today. he said "bacon is epic" & i quickly jabbed his larynx without any1 seeing

I love the strange silence of an area that you were never supposed to enter.

*enters party+approaches group of teens* "That's great guys, hahahaa, but think about how man projects desire onto machines, which he creat-

You're all wrong about plural of octopus, you just multiply the prefix. two of them= sedepus. three= vicequatropus. four = tricedipus etc.

You would have to yell at a cup of coffee for 1 year, 7 months, 26 days, 20 hours, 26 minutes and 40 seconds in order to heat it up.

I usually have my nose buried in a book, also the rest of me is buried in the book, the book is a coffin and I'm finally free of you fuckers

girl, you must be my muse; because whenever i hear you, i turn down the radio.