New hire was getting a little talky. So I looked at him, stapled my hand, pulled it out with my teeth and spit it at him. Instant silence.

They are letting me take baby home now, obviously they don't follow me on Twitter.

Dear North Carolina,

The year is 2012, not 1812. Please adjust your calendars and voting habits accordingly.

Love,

The people in 2012

Anderson Cooper comes out, Tom Cruise is getting a divorce, coincidence is likely but speculation is funner.

The neighbors woke the baby. And oh, look, their car is rolling down the street on fire.

Whenever you start to feel like you don't get the recognition you deserve.

Just think how Tom Cruise's boyfriend must feel right now.

It has finally happened.

The world needs Aqua Man.

7 yro passed out on couch, so I put her toy samurai sword in her hand with all her stuffed animals around her & yelled "what have you done?"

I think the lines between Twitter and reality are blurring. I just told the drive thru guy after I ordered, "Related, I'm hungry"

Athena Bella Pappalardo is here. Don't know weight and all that yet, but she is beautiful and this is the best day ever.

I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.

I just sneezed and farted simultaneously while peeing, I think I saw god.

Today I've smoked 2 packs of cigs, eaten only deep-fried foods & took the seatbelts out of my truck. Free healthcare is going to be awesome.

I can't wait until Ron Paul runs out on stage with a sword yelling "There can only be one!"

Every time you kiss your baby, you're really kissing the sperm that won.

My girl lost her purse and I'm pissed off. My balls were in there.

The baby will not sleep, I called the 1-800 number that was on the crib instructions and they were no help.

My daughter throws-up and keeps drinking, that kind of talent can only be inherited.

My girl hates it when I yell "vagina on a stick!", when she is on top.

Sticking with their mantra of keeping America safe, Republicans decided America doesn't need a Secretary of Defense for the next week.