I'm not divorced from reality, but we have agreed to a trial separation.

#rncconventionslogans A dog on every car!

Like it or not, those of us who can spell and construct coherent sentences are judging those of you who can't/won't/can't be bothered.

Learn to speak wife: "Fine!" is wife for "fuck you!"

#binderfilms Lars and the Real Binder

Husband on days this week. Sex schedule all messed up. Or it would be, if we actually, you know, had sex.

This "Guaranteed No Muffin Top" underwear is going right back to the store. Muffin top is alive and well and living on my hips.

#ancientheadlines Simon Peter disavows all knowledge of "the Christ." In other news, crowing cocks violate noise ordinance.

I'm seriously overthinking the concept of overthinking. May soon disappear up my own ass.

#NameMittsForeignTour The Magical Underwear Tour

#hayfeversongs Weeds are the Champions

Don't miss Diana Rissetto's play, "Heartbreak Like Hemingway", which will be performed on Saturday evening! http://t.co/RLQKLO9R

@theantimyth I'm all for keeping the Frigga in Friday.

#OpeningGOPConventionCeremony Don't miss the performance by the Olympic Flip Flopping Team!

@douchemcbaggus All of them. You're welcome.

#NameMittsForeignTour Is this a Crumpet or a Strumpet? You Brits have a different word for everything!

#NameMittsForeignTour An American Embarrassed

I thought I had a tumor, but it turned out to be a crumb in my bra.

@myvogonpoetry #lessscaryhorror The Hills Have Hives (sorry couldn't resist)

#lessscaryhorror Parsley, Sage, and Thyme's Baby