#1: After I drink my coffee, I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.

#1: If guns were illegal, no one would get shot. Sort of like how no one can buy drugs.

#1: A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherfucker.

#1: YOLO is poor for carpe diem.

#1: If I ever 'check-in' somewhere on Facebook, it'll be Mt. Everest, Mars, or Kate Upton's bedroom. Not Chili's happy hour.

#1: A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherfucker.

This is the fastest they've ever gotten aide over to the Superdome.... #katrina

#1: 'Just be yourself' is good advice to probably 5% of people.

#1: Talent hits a target no one else can hit; genius hits a target no one else can see.

[At the gym] #1: What machine should I use to impress the girls?
#2: The ATM.

#1: Listening to Obama talk about the economy is like listening to a chick talk about football.

#1: People can be drug-tested to keep their jobs, but not to receive government benefits? Explain that shit to me. Please.

Best hashtags of the night: 1) #Doprah 2) #LiveWrong 3) #LieStrong

#1: I start every cell conversation with 'my phone's about to die' so they don't waste my time.

#1: For every action, there's a social media overreaction.

#1: The fact that most people are too stupid to know how dumb they really are is the fabric holding our society together.

#1: Guns don't kill people. Muslims don't kill people. Assholes kill people.

#1: I doubt alcohol kills more people than it creates.

#1: Almost time for children to learn a valuable life lesson. Santa loves rich kids more.

#1: When life gives you lemons, order the lobster tail.