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98% of people making comments about Nelson Mandela on social media would fail a history quiz on Nelson Mandela.
#1: Uggs season. Pumpkin spice lattes. And a new iPhone... It's the white girl trifecta.
#1: Now that 'twerking' and 'selfie' are in the dictionary, I really don't give a shit how we leave the planet for our kids.
#1: Work hard. Eat right. Exercise. Don't drink too much. And only buy what you can afford. It's not rocket science.
#1: Starbucks needs a separate line for people who have their shit together.
#1: If higher taxes on cigarettes are meant to decrease smoking, what are higher taxes on business supposed to do?
#1: If guns were illegal, no one would get shot. Sort of like how no one can buy drugs.
#1: How easily someone is offended is directly proportional to how stupid they are.
#1: Clearly the NSA doesn't monitor Facebook. That's where all the experts are solving this Government standoff.
#1: A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherfucker.
#1: There is an inverse relationship between swag and credit score.
#1: Checking your phone after someone else pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation.
#1: Can we please stop calling them hipsters and go back to calling them pussies?
#1: If I ever 'check-in' somewhere on Facebook, it'll be Mt. Everest, Mars, or Kate Upton's bedroom. Not Chili's happy hour.
#1: YOLO is poor for carpe diem.
#1: Talent hits a target no one else can hit; genius hits a target no one else can see.
#1: If you abstain from smoking, drinking, and using drugs, you don't actually live longer. It just seems longer.
#1: Some people assume I am quiet, boring, or shy, without ever realizing that I just don't like them.
[At the gym] #1: What machine should I use to impress the girls?
#2: The ATM.
#1: 'Just be yourself' is good advice to probably 5% of people.
Things heard in the Goldman Sachs elevators do not stay in the Goldman Sachs elevators. Email what you hear to email@example.com.