I hope my arch nemesis is as lazy as I am.

The reason dogs and monkeys are no longer evolving is because they figured out how to blow themselves.

you don't have to be rich to be my girl you don't have to be cool to rule my world but you do need shut the bathroom door when you poo.

You know you are getting old when you watch a porn and all you can think is "are they going to WASTE that whole pizza????"

All joking aside son, teabagging is something very special that is shared between two people who love each other very much.

When I was a kid, way before twitter, we had to drive to our friends houses and shout inappropriate jokes out the window. Up hill, both ways

The overalls said country but the tattoo on the ear said rock and roll.

The six kids, however, said latex allergy.

Thanks for painting the cell towers green so they look like trees, California, but can you paint the homeless like pavement next?

The rapture in December of 2012 is going to be 1000 times as bad as the rapture of May 21st. 1000 TIMES WORSE!

What's 1000 times 0 again?

Yes, officer, I was speeding but it was a cry for attention due to my lack of a father figure.... So.... handcuffs? *wink*

Dear wife,

I'm having an affair.

With this chocolate bar.

And *I* swallow.

Love, G

did you know in china they have no fucking idea what a fortune cookie is? But what they *DO* have is cool sounds when they punch air.

Someone should remind these fat, religious, Planned Parenthood protesters that gluttony is a sin too.

There are few things in life more disconcerting than sitting down on a public toilet seat only to find out it's already warm

The woman in front of me in line has spandex on and what appears to be a thong tightly wrapped around a trash bag full of peanuts


Hot!

When I watch So You Think You Can Dance I question whether I'm watching the same show these judges are watching. Also, my sexuality.

the best thing about being married is that there's always someone there to laugh at you when you fart loud enough to scare yourself.

If "god is perfect and makes no mistakes" is true, then being gay is a part of his perfection so it's time to STFU about it and move on.

Laugh now, but when Charlie Sheen dies on Good Friday and rises from the grave on Easter there's going to be an awful lot of tweet deleting

I bet SmartCar sales guys have to use fractions when they are describing how many dead hookers will fit in the trunk.