I can turn wine into vomit. Your move, Jesus.

Sometimes I feel like I want more friends but then I remember how much I hate events, activities, listening and leaving my house.

Let me tell you about my childhood *jaw unhinges, spiders pour out*

Please, no dick pics. A photocopy of your pay stub is preferred.

"dickweed" seems less like an insult and more like the most wonderful combination, my two favorite things in the world

If your girl gets mad at you while she's on her period, she's probably just ovary-acting

You can't brag about having giant breasts if your everything is giant.

Reason why weed is awesome #83: YOU FORGET YOU ORDERED PIZZA AND THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND IT'S PIZZA!

There's a party in my pants, but the bouncer is a total asshole.

Twinkle, twinkle, Little Whore. Close your legs, they're not a door.

I am cursed with the sex drive of a 17yr old boy, and the cuddle drive of a 2mo old kitten.

We have something special that future generations will never have again. OUR MOMS ARE NOT NAKED ON THE INTERNET

I scream out "MAYBE! MAYBE! MAYBE!" while I'm being fucked just to keep him on his toes.

Dealers hate me cuz I suck at being discreet via txt. Um, okay sorry dude, can I get that-- uh, sweater, from you? The green one.

I am AMAZING in bed.



I can sleep for days.

If you don't want me to check out your cleavage, then don't have so much boobies you stupid little hottie.

Girls that brag about being bitches are awesome because it's like they let you know right away that they suck

Two minutes ago, I was sad to the point of tears and now I'm totally happy because GUESS WHAT, GIRLS ARE CRAZY!

Sticki Minaj SUPER BAKERY- Excuse me, you're a hell of a pie.

Walked into Taco Bell and a cook greeted me with "Hola Mami!".

-Top notch customer service.
-Will return.
-Highly recommended.