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I have been living off of string cheese and chocolate chip cookies in case you were wondering how healthy my lifestyle is rn
I can generally bring myself to a full orgasm in under 30 seconds. Is this a hidden talent?
My dad already changed the clocks back an hour bc "It's fuckin psychotic! It's simple mind control. The government can't tell you the time!"
My best friend is my ex bf's ex gf so duh Godzilla works in mysterious ways
Why do I always love things that are destined to hurt me in the long run? Why can't I quit you, Sour Punch Blue Raspberry Straws?? :(
Next time I "fall in love" super hard and super fast, plz slap me with a print-out of The Three Phases Of Abusive Narcissistic Relationships
I am often startled by my own shadow or the hair on my head touching my body. If you ever try to scare me for fun I could possibly drop dead
I have a love/hate relationship with my own pubes. I'm indifferent to everyone else's.
I feel like this is a sacred place where I am free to express my true inner teenager
So this birth control is working super well for me. I don't actually need it for.. baby stopping.. or whatever.. You guys my boobs are huge
"SUck. A. Dick." is how I've been closing most of my emails lately. It has a nice ring to it and really drives the message home
Here's the thing about me, I used to trust everybody and now I trust no one. Thanks, X-files and douchebags. <3
If you're gonna cheat with the same woman through TWO relationships, maybe just be with that woman then? Idk just a suggestion.
What is this bullshit thing called "lust"? Fuck your lust
All of my tweets are sponsored by what my mother refers to as "The Grass"
PRO TIP: If you're tryna stick your dick in me DO NOT broadcast your insecurities on the first date. May the odds be ever in your favor.
Dear Jesus, can you please send me a HANDSOME (good teeth, stands up straight) SMART (hates video games) TALL (er than me) dude to love? ty
Just a friendly reminder to stop asking me out on FB if you ever actually wanna date me
No offense, but I hate you. Don't take it personally. You're just totes terrible and I literally can't stand the thought of you. No offense.
Ladies is pimps, too.
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