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I have excommunicated all the people who have told me they think I smoke too much weed. Sorry I'm not sorry I dated you for your Volcano
I have been living off of string cheese and chocolate chip cookies in case you were wondering how healthy my lifestyle is rn
I can generally bring myself to a full orgasm in under 30 seconds. Is this a hidden talent?
My dad already changed the clocks back an hour bc "It's fuckin psychotic! It's simple mind control. The government can't tell you the time!"
Why do I always love things that are destined to hurt me in the long run? Why can't I quit you, Sour Punch Blue Raspberry Straws?? :(
Next time I "fall in love" super hard and super fast, plz slap me with a print-out of The Three Phases Of Abusive Narcissistic Relationships
I am often startled by my own shadow or the hair on my head touching my body. If you ever try to scare me for fun I could possibly drop dead
I have a love/hate relationship with my own pubes. I'm indifferent to everyone else's.
I feel like this is a sacred place where I am free to express my true inner teenager
So this birth control is working super well for me. I don't actually need it for.. baby stopping.. or whatever.. You guys my boobs are huge
"SUck. A. Dick." is how I've been closing most of my emails lately. It has a nice ring to it and really drives the message home
Here's the thing about me, I used to trust everybody and now I trust no one. Thanks, X-files and douchebags. <3
If you're gonna cheat with the same woman through TWO relationships, maybe just be with that woman then? Idk just a suggestion.
What is this bullshit thing called "lust"? Fuck your lust
All of my tweets are sponsored by what my mother refers to as "The Grass"
PRO TIP: If you're tryna stick your dick in me DO NOT broadcast your insecurities on the first date. May the odds be ever in your favor.
Dear Jesus, can you please send me a HANDSOME (good teeth, stands up straight) SMART (hates video games) TALL (er than me) dude to love? ty
Just a friendly reminder to stop asking me out on FB if you ever actually wanna date me
No offense, but I hate you. Don't take it personally. You're just totes terrible and I literally can't stand the thought of you. No offense.
Calorie would be a really pretty name for a girl
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