RT @fun_tweets: RT @sucittam Even if you don't have to poop, bathrooms are still a nice place to take your pants off and sit for a while.

Inside the mind of a writer there lives a very scary gerbil on a very scary wheel.

I would like to start a twitter trend where you reply to your own tweets as though you're having a conversation with yourself. Which I am.

I'm happy. Not rainbow and butterflies happy, but crack happy is good enough for me.

If Pollyanna had known what I know, she'd be drinking too.

I need to get coasters. And a life. But coasters first.

If social anxiety was a drug I'd be high all day every day.

An Ode to Silence:

I am officially on my friday night people. Watch me rock this couch.

If crushing garlic makes me feel powerful, imagine what I could do with a sledge hammer.

I really want to tweet "Aussie Aussie Aussie" just to see who'll tweet back "oy oy oy"

Twitter, I love you. And it's not the bourbon talking. It's the shortage of appreciation from my real life friends.

People who parade their egos on a stick, mummy really did love you.

Humanity? you seriously suck my happy.

If my body could verbalise how its feeling right now, you'd hear the distinct sound of retching. #I'mSoSexyItHurts

Some days you don't feel nearly as special as you ought to.

RT @paxochka: Every day 6 million people deactivate their facebook accounts.

Your turn.

Being single can be lonely, but the sex is fantastic.

Oh hell yeah. RT @inflatableivy I love Tim minchin

I'd like to fill this silence with deafening applause.