Trick to get followers: be really fucking awesome.

Just took the worst poop ever. I ran out of toilet paper, AND heard my parents doing it.

I follow people that hate white people, because we really do suck.

When I say cheesy things to you, it's not because I want to hear cheesy things in return. It's because I want you to make me some macaroni.

Shouldn't Captain America be fat and lazy?

@jordyhamrick asshole pronunciation. Like a vase.

On the back of a dollar bill it says "IN GOD WE TRUST ONE DOLLAR" I dunno, I'd probably trust him with more than one.

I stopped petting my cat, and she looked really hurt and abandoned.

SO WE'RE PLANNING A TRIP TO DISNEY WORLD.

You can tell my dog's a girl because of the high pitched-slightly retarded noise she makes when excited.

My elementary school had to stop having a pajama day because of that time I showed up naked.

My brother once tried to search "cool" as a music genre, in case you were wondering why he's dead.

I don't like rap that makes sense.

Curiosity made the cat kill my inner child.

I don't know why people hate me, I'm so much better at it.

Please follow me without favoriting my tweets because it doesn't affect my self-esteem at all.

Just added "poopzilla" to my phone's dictionary. I don't think I need to do anything else today.

That cross tattoo will look really good in Hell, brah.

I wouldn't doubt cats secretly call each other dawg.

My mother and I need to have a talk. She hasn't printed off a single one of my tweets and put them on the fridge. :(

Is dignity better than free ice cream?

Yeah, I didn't think so either.