When I look at my facebook newsfeed and then my twitter TL, I realize how much more I like strangers.

A lady did something stupid at the store. Whipped out my phone to tweet it and realized a dude next to me was doing the same. We winked.

If cops stopped giving out tickets and gave people money when they were being good drivers, there'd be less accidents.

Just got told that I don't have feelings. Yahtzee!!!!!!

Stars are cute but a RT is just plain sexual.

I'm trying to build back up my followers, one unfunny tweet at a time.

The bf is passed out drunk next to me farting like a deer in heat. How's your night going?

I haven't brushed my hair in three days. I hope the people of walmart don't mind,

Someone once told me that being superstitious was bad luck....but isn't believing in bad luck superstitious? Mindfuck....

I don't do this stuff for trophies, I do this so the creepy gorilla stops staring at me while he is masterbating outside my window.

I wrote a new poem today: fuck you. I love you.

When I @ someone and they respond with a DM I feel like a slutty mistress that they are trying to hide.

When I get to 100 followers I'm going to tweet a picture of my pussy*.



*cat

Sometimes I feel guilty for starring morbid, troubled, and depressing tweets... Who am I kidding? I really don't. *Evil Laugh*

I'm so anxious that I bite other people's nails.

Girl walked into class with a black eye.
Prof: what happened to you?
Chick: they dropped me while I was doing a keg stand.
I love college.

If you read the tweets on your time line with a scottish accent they seem funnier.

Older gentlemen on train with flowers EVERY single day. He is either the worlds best husband or the most god awful husband.

When a deli meat slicer gives you a free taste of the meat you know you are fuckin awesome.

Save a lollipop...lick an ass