The only difference between me and JayZ is that Im white, have no money and black women think I'm gay

A guy died on the flight, it was depressing - the paramedics took his body away,I was hoping we could do a weekend at Bernies thing with him

The hardest part of hiring a hooker is throwing her off the balcony afterward... they never cooperate with that part.

Superbowls over. I just saw a homeless guy take off his Tom Brady jersey and throw it in the garbage.

I'm worried these horizontal stripes on my socks make my ankles look fat.

When I shoot tequila, i drink the drink,snort the salt,squeeze the lime in my eye, shove the empty glass deep into my ass and scream bingo. 

Mexicans are so racist towards Americans, they call us gringos. Same can't be said for us, we call them landscapers and window tinters. 

Due to bacteria, my city is under a "boil drinking water order" Now I have a burnt tongue from drinking boiling water. Stupid city. 

Today at the beach I tried surfing, no fucking wifi so I went into the water, splashed around and had a long pee.

Video killed the radio star, but Nickelback killed everything else!

D.A.M.
Mothers against Dyslexia

I have so many $1 coins and no strippers to throw them at. I really hate Canada.

Today when the mailman came to my house I ran out of the back yard naked and bit him in the leg. 

It would suck to be a hooker in a blizzard.  Hundreds of customers driving by unable to see your new fishnet stockings from JC penny. 

One time it would be really nice to walk by a store and see the sign "Gluten $1.99"

My mom read some of my tweets, she told me I am sick and need some help. So i stay home from work with mom and watch my dads porn collection

Second to my mouth, my asshole is the dirtiest part of my body.

My proctologist is looking out for my safety. He recently installed cameras in the examination room.

Taking your pants off at a party is usually a hit. Apparently the staff at chuck e cheese don't have a sense of humor! Fucking prudes. 

If you think chlamydia burns, imagine how bad this jalapeño I shoved up my ass is going to feel.