Why doesn't the NRA get behind allowing Iran to have a
nuclear weapon? Because, nuclear weapons don't kill
people. People kill people.

Rick Santorum seems so homophobic that I'm surprised he even allows another man to vote for him.

If you're head of the CIA and can't hide an extramarital affair it means it can't
be done. Case closed, fellas.

EHarmony matched me up with a gun.

You've got to be an idiot to do anythig that makes the city of Boston mad
at you. Boston, I salute you.

I thought America's debt crisies might be exaggerated, but I opened up a fortune cookie the other night, and it said. "We own you."

Tebow just turned the Gatoraid into wine.

So U.S. supports anti-govt protests in Egypt, Libya, Iran,
Syria, and many African countries. Just not in the U.S.

I think rush limbaugh owes me an apology for saying he was "trying to be humorous."

A real man is someone who can give love that he never got. And is funny.

Whenever i'm with a new woman, first thing I do is have a penis count. I say, "One." If I hear anything after that, I'm out of there.

I nominate the stadium lights for MVP.

Let's all criticize each other until there's nothing left.

I've said it b4 and I'll say it again. I'll do a show called, "I've Got Talent," and each week the three judges can
go fuck themselves.

Fox news: "..we have such good news we want to get it on right now. The house of Representatives will remain Republican!" Fair and Balanced.

Republican response. Missing laugh-track.

Overheard at opening ceremony: Kate to William, "This is more what I had in mind for our wedding."

I'm sure this is a little stupid, but have u noticed how amazing it is that you can't see the horses under the water in water polo?

If that dude who tried to stop himself before falling into the end zone doesn't end up with a condom endorsement, he should get a new agent.

I've been on twitter for a couple of years, and I still can't
figure out how you win.