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Can't wait for Adele's new album! Hope something terrible happens to her soon.
Do mothers realize they make their daughters feel like shit?
I'm not a Trekkie but "where no man has gone before" refers to Kirk's ass, right?
I always get so emotional when a friend tells me they're pregnant. Because I know that's the day I stop talking to them.
A fun thing for teenagers to get is a vintage T-shirt or pregnant.
David Beckham hasn't retired from desperately wanting to be my best friend.
Read all the Dalai Lama's tweets and didn't laugh once.
Want to make a difference in the world but still be able to watch eight hours of TV a day.
Just found out my favorite teacher is dying. I can finally tell her what a difference she made in my life. But I'm sooo tired.
Was your plan to have a worse body this summer? Because it's working.
Barbara Walters retired again today after forgetting she retired yesterday.
Hey, college kids, just to give you a heads up you're never going to end up doing that stupid thing you're majoring in.
Gays can get married. But in Minnesota. Which I think qualifies as a hate crime.
Barbara Walters announced her retirement today after finding out she's still on TV.
The nice thing about life beginning at conception is you still get to celebrate Mother's Day if you've had an abortion.
"Sweetie, we got you because we wanted something to love other than clothes." - gay dad
"Your mother was thin. That's all you need to know about her." - gay dad
"Oh, honey, Daddies were just making a joke. You're not really an ass baby." - gay dad