So is the Pope like... single now?

Thinking of adopting a child. What color should I get? Keep in mind my walls are eggshell and cinnamon.

I just heard the most beautiful song. It was something about sluts in the club.

I know we said we were going to get together this year but now I'm thinking 2014 would be better for me.

Hey, how about making a normal fucking face when you sing?

I can understand leaving a baby unattended-- but your phone!!

I wonder if homeless people know how much great TV they're missing tonight.

If I had a daughter I would want the same for her as any parent would want. A sex tape, a reality show and a perfume.

The funniest thing just happened. I made the girl at Starbucks cry.

People over 50 stop with the plastic surgery. Nobody wants to have sex with you anyway.

Ah, no traffic! The Jewish holidays are the time of year when you're really grateful they run Hollywood.

Time magazine just voted gay flight attendants Most Cunty Anything. Congratulations!

What if instead of having an abortion women just "fell" off a horse? I feel like this solves everyone's problem.

If you try to please everybody, you please nobody. So I try to please nobody. The results are the same and it's absolutely no work.

All children just need to be loved. But only by a man and a woman. NOT ANY OTHER COMBINATION EVER OR THEY WILL EXPLODE!!

I know you guys worked really hard for those medals but we kinda forgot who you are already.

I don't want to die alone. I want to be with all of my stuff.

I hope London's sewer system can deal with all this shaved body hair.

I'm officially unfollowing the Dalai Lama until he follows me. Dick.

I've finally decided to focus solely on my looks.